


yours truly, a heart of hope

by hak22



Category: The Boyz (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, For the Boys, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Letters, depends on the POV, eric wrote letters, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-06
Updated: 2021-02-06
Packaged: 2021-03-18 07:06:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29239557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hak22/pseuds/hak22
Summary: before eric left, he wrote 10 letters
Relationships: Son Youngjae | Eric & Everyone
Comments: 8
Kudos: 26





	yours truly, a heart of hope

**Author's Note:**

> title taken from the boyz walkin' in time special clip
> 
>   
> hope you enjoy <3

1.

_Dear Sangyeon,_

_You must be surprised to see a letter from me. I know it has been a while since we last saw each other (almost a year is it?) but I had to write to you this._

_First of all, I just want to say how proud I am of you, I know how you always wanted to step out of the persona you created, of the producer who stayed behind the curtains, I know how you have always wanted to be on stage, as a well loved artist, as someone who’s not just a demo singer or someone who produces songs for other artists but has always longed to receive that same love. I remember you telling me, I think it was four years ago, that you didn’t want to be an unknown producer who sang demos anymore, how you wanted to feel the thrill of performing in front of others. you always worked hard sangyeon, and I always admire you for that. It’s already been 3 years since you debuted and look at your success. It blows my mind how you’ve won artist of the year and song of the year at one of the biggest award shows, you really deserve that. I’ve seen how hard you work, you’ve always worked so hard, never letting go of your dreams and there has never been a moment in my life where i haven’t admired you for that, you’re so amazing and I love that._

_Do you remember when we first met? It was ten years ago, that’s a really long time but I’m glad I got to spend it with you. I remember that day clearly, like it was yesterday. you helped me that day so much and I don’t think you know that you being there in that moment of vulnerability gave me a new breath of hope. You gave me the air to fill my lungs with and continue on with my day. That day I received the news that I got rejected from three of the companies that I auditioned for, the companies that I really had wanted to get into, that my other friends had gotten into. We all dreamed of debuting together and they all got in, except for me. I was so heartbroken that day, my dreams had gotten crushed and even though I was happy for them I couldn’t help but be sad. I worked hard for those auditions and missed way too many days of school for them and in the end, it didn’t work out. Of course it didn’t. I wandered aimlessly that day, ignored all phone calls, didn’t go to school nor my part time job, which I ended up getting fired from btw. it just wasn’t a good day for me._

_It was around 11pm when I got tired of walking and sat outside a building, just simply thinking of what to do with my life. I don’t know when I started crying, I think it just happened and then you were coming out of the building. It was your studio and I think you said you were pulling an all nighter for a song you had to finish and you found me, crying my eyes out. But you took me in, a stranger who could have easily murdered you, and you took care of me. You filled me up with so much hope and strength. You told me about your story, about your hopes and dreams, told me about it all, and that gave me so much strength. Seeing you work hard, struggle, fall from great heights and then get back up to do it all over again gave me the strength I was looking for. Hyung, you may not know it but you were my saving grace that day and I seriously don’t know what would have happened to me if you hadn’t been there._

_You told me to always come to you when I felt like my world was going to end, when I felt like I didn't want to go on anymore so here I am, coming to you. But this time, I don’t think there’s anything you can do. you have already helped me so much hyung, and I am forever thankful for that, there will never be a day that I won’t look at your contact in my phone and smile because you have given me so many memories hyung, over these past ten years you have given me so many reasons to live but I’m sorry. I wasn’t strong enough, not like you, I can’t deal with rejection after rejection anymore, it’s too much. Maybe this job wasn’t for me, wasn’t something I could handle. I know how much you believed in me and I am so sorry that I couldn't deliver. But hyung, please remember that this isn’t your fault. The way I am will never ever be your fault. Knowing you these past ten years have been the best of my life and I wouldn't do it any differently._

_I'm sorry I haven't seen you in the past year, you’ve been busy with your career taking off and I've been busy auditioning at one company after another. Some did get back to me this week, a few smaller companies accepted me and I would be very happy right now but I've accepted my fate already. I know what I'm going to do now and these offers haven't changed my mind, I'm sorry you have to hear that hyung, I really am._

_I know you can get over this, you’re one of the strongest people I know, hyung. Please remember me for my optimism and the little strength I could muster up at times, not for this. I wish you the best for your future, and continue being the best artist out there, I know that you can manage that, hyung be happy._

_Bye hyung, it was really nice knowing you and seeing your growth over these years and I want you to_

_always remember, Eric loves you._

  
  


2.

_Dear Jacob,_

_Hi hyung, are you surprised to see this from me? Probably not, since I do send you some letters once in a while. This one will be my last one though. I’m sorry about that, I know I should have written to you more but we were all always so busy. What is it like being back in Toronto? I know you’ve been missing home for a while now, I remember seeing you longingly look at a picture of your dog or a family photo. It must be nice to be back._

_I remember bonding over that, the first time we met. Was it five years ago now? It seems like it was longer, I feel as if I have known you for much longer. You understood me the most whenever I felt homesick because you went through exactly what I did. It was nice having that support there. I'd like to think we helped each other but honestly, I know it was you who helped me more. Even the times you were in a bad mood, you’d drop everything to make sure I wasn't. I always liked that about you, but I’m sorry I couldn't give the same back to you. I know if you heard me say those words you’d tell me I’m wrong, you’d tell me not to say that because I have done wonders for your life. You’d tell me that I have helped you more than I could imagine but we both know what the truth is. It was always you helping me, never the other way around. Oops... I didn't want the tone of this letter to get down this fast. Sorry about that, I have written your letter so many times and yet I always make it so depressing, but I think this could be the final draft._

_Hyung, do you remember all those times we spent at your small house with you playing the guitar and singing? I think you realised how much that calmed me down because every time I felt agitated you would whip out your guitar. You were right about that. It did make me feel calmer. It made me forget, even for a second, of the torment in my head and I was able to focus on you, on your beautiful voice and I loved that so much. I loved getting lost in the wonders of your tone, the way you sang felt liberating. It was almost as if an angel came down to earth and I loved that feeling the most. I remember going over to your house whenever I felt suffocated, when it was too overwhelming and you’d tell me to lie down and you would get your guitar out and sing, it felt so nice and I still remember that feeling till this day. I would usually fall asleep and when I woke up I would find myself tucked in tightly so none of the monsters could get in. Those nights I slept the best, my sleep went uninterrupted and I felt so refreshed. I never told you that though, because knowing you, you would have told me to stay over every night so I could sleep well but I could never do that, I could never become such a pain to you like that. I know how much you liked your alone time and so I could never do that to you, bother you like that._

_But I admired your kind and caring nature, how you would help me no matter what was going on in your life. I’m glad I got to have you by my side, each day got bearable with you here with me. But when you told me you were going back to Canada, my heart broke. I thought finally I had found someone who understood me. After Sangyeon hyung had debuted I felt a bit lonely, he was too busy and I couldn’t blame him for that but when you came into my life, it felt as if that gap was filled again. Like I had someone to help me up again. You and Sangyeon hyung have helped me so much and the thought that it was all about to be taken from right under me was so excruciating and I didn’t know how to handle it. But as much as it hurt, I couldn't stop you. I knew how homesick you had been and how much you were missing everything you left behind and I couldn't stop you. That would be evil of me, and if there’s anything you taught me then it had to be how to be selfless once in a while, for other people's happiness. I would never forgive myself if I took your happiness away and so I let you leave._

_Sometimes, after you left, I watched your covers on youtube (btw congrats, your channel seems to be growing a lot nowadays) and it made me feel at ease, your voice still had that effect. At least, that was the case for a long time after you left but it hasn’t been the same since. A couple months ago, the nightmares started again and I found myself having trouble sleeping so I put your youtube video up and hoping that it would work like old times, hoping that my worries would ease and I would fall into a deep slumber. It didn’t. I couldn’t fall asleep. I know you told me to call you anytime I had trouble sleeping but I couldn't do that to you. I’m sorry. I know I told you I was sleeping fine in my last letter, but truthfully I haven't and my thoughts at night are unbearable. I'm sorry you have to find out like this. I’m truly sorry but I can’t be saved anymore, not even by your angelic voice._

_I know I rarely told you this but I love you hyung, I really do. You have been a large part of my life and I can never forget that. You’ll get through this, I know you can. Remember me not for the way I die but for any kindness I may have shown you over the years, I hope I have something good for you to remember me by. Thank you so much for being with me all this time and I want you to_

_always remember, Eric loves you._

  
  


3\. 

_Dear Younghoon,_

_you might be taken back by this letter, I’ve realised that I’ve never sent you a letter before, weird huh? Sorry that this is my first and last one to you. That must sound daunting but I’ll try my best to not make it like that._

_Hyung, I was watching your drama the other day and it’s so good!! You’re doing so well in the industry and it’s so great to see your popularity increasing. It doesn’t even seem like this is the first drama you’re the male lead in, it looks like it comes so naturally to you and as if you were born to do something like this. I know you’ll do well in the future, you always have done. I won’t be able to watch how the drama ends which is slightly upsetting but that’s alright, I signed up for this so I’m prepared for this story of mine to end._

_Hyung, you’ve always been so brave, it’s not even just your character, it's you yourself who has always been so brave. You’ve never been afraid of failure and rejection. After Sunwoo and Sangyeon hyung, you’re the person I’ve known the longest and I've seen your journey, I watched it with my own eyes. I could never be like you, hyung, you auditioned for countless roles, it was as if every other day you were auditioning for another show, it didn’t matter how big or small the role was, you would still go ahead and audition for it. I admired that about you, a lot, and I wish I could have been like you. The person who never let rejection cloud their judgement and persevered through it all, using it as motivation to get back up again, I wish I could have been like that. I think the only reason I even made it this far was because of you. Seeing you, time and time again, get rejected but then going for another audition the very next week made me want to be like you. I never told you this, but every time I got a rejection I would think ‘what would Younghoon hyung do?’ and every single time I would come up with the same answer, ‘he would get back up again and go to the next audition’ and so I did, I got back up and went to the next audition but that can only last so long. After a while it got too exhausting, I was using the feedback they gave me to improve, like you always did, but despite the efforts I was putting in I never got the results and that hurt. I wasn’t like you, you managed to improve but me, I feel like I just stayed stagnant._

_I know you spent a lot of time with me, you gave me such good advice on how to stay afloat and how to persevere through the dark times but I’m sorry, I didn’t use any of them, maybe if I was a good listener we wouldn’t be here today. You should definitely spread your advice though, if it didn’t work for me it doesn’t mean it won’t work on anybody else, so spread your wisdom._

_We’re getting to the end of this letter now and the end of my story. I’m sorry you have to see me go like this, I really am but I can’t help it. I’ve realised that I’ve never thanked you for consistently being by my side, even during the times I wasn’t the nicest person to be around, thank you for your splendid advice, I can't lie, they did help for a while. I really wish you the best for your future and hopefully this drama of yours becomes really popular and as much as I would love to know how it ends, there’s not enough time left for me so I guess I’ll have to go without knowing. please stay the way you are, my determined younghoon hyung and_

_always remember, Eric loves you._

  
  


4.

_Dear Hyunjae,_

_or should I say mr. CEO of the year, that has a nice ring to it doesn’t it? I'm sure you would have laughed at that, you always laughed at my jokes and I always laughed at yours, I guess we were similar in that way. I’ve known you for the shortest time but you became the older brother I've always wanted._

_I think it’s only been a year since we met, such a cliche meeting, me dropping coffee on your expensive suit just before a press conference you had!! I couldn't stop saying sorry and I really thought you were going to sue me or something, but you didn’t, you were really kind about it. To be honest with you, I wasn't really expecting that, I was so embarrassed and scared for my life but instead you smiled and told me you had another suit in your car and you even brought me another coffee. I have to admit, I am forever thankful for that, it was one of those nights where I didn’t get any sleep and then in the morning I found out that my fridge had broken down and all the food in there was spoilt, and then I bumped into you and I really thought that this was it for me. But you showed me kindness, and that elevated my mood, I felt as if I had been liberated from my problems. And then we kept on bumping into each other and I thought it was fate._

_Having you in my life this past year has been amazing, it was everything I had ever wanted, you made me feel so alive and being with you I could simply smile. You had this effect where I could forget all my worries and just enjoy my time with you, every single second of the day I spent with you I loved. I loved it so much and I wish I could experience it more but I know that being the CEO of such a successful company takes a toll on one, and I know that you had no choice but to cancel our gatherings and I forgive you for that. I know I was icy towards you every time you cancelled but I understand now and I'm so sorry for ignoring you then and ignoring your calls, I really am but I forgive you, even though it’s me who should be asking for forgiveness. You had always tried to make time for me, squeezed me into your schedule, you spent your lunches with me instead of being with your partner. Thank you for that, thank you for taking the time out of your day to spend it with my sorry self._

_I’ve come to see you as an older brother, even though we’re not related in blood it felt as if we had been. We had so much in common and we got along so well and part of me wishes that we had met earlier, that I could have had you there since I was born and maybe then I wouldn’t be like this today but that’s no fault of your own. You never did anything wrong, always loving me in your little ways. I wish I could have known you longer, and stayed by your side longer but I can't. I can’t be here anymore, it’s too suffocating for me and I need an out and this is my way out, I have found the exit sign and it’s the only one I can see. I’m sorry for leaving you behind like this, even after all you have done for me, I’m sorry._

_I know your business will continue to grow and I hope that you truly fulfill your vision and the world remembers you for your passion. I hope that one day you’ll become successful as you have always wanted to be._

_Thank you for being by my side and making me forget, even if it was only for a second and please_

_always remember, Eric loves you._

5.

_Dear Jueyon,_

_It’s me, Eric. Hi, how are you? You must be taken back by receiving a letter from me when I live right next door from you but this is something I can’t say face to face. I guess you could say I’m a coward for that. This letter has been one of the hardest to write and I can’t seem to get the right words down. You have loved me like I was your little brother and you have always made me feel like home. Even the times when I was missing my family, you never let me feel that void. Your own parents treated me like their actual son so that’s probably why this letter feels so difficult to write because I’m not just leaving you, I’m also leaving your family who always made me feel loved._

_I’m sorry hyung, and please tell your parents I said that as well. You have made me feel so wanted in these past couple of years and if I could, I would stay by your side for one more second but I can’t. Before this letter gets even more sad, let me just thank you. Thank you for everything, thank you for staying with me and making me such a happy person. You were my neighbour first but you now mean so much more than that and I’m so glad I got to experience that. You have done wonders for my life and nothing can ever change that so thank you for it all. You even matched your trash throwing out routine with mine so we could see each other often. I really appreciated our conversations near the bins, even if some might find it disgusting, I didn’t. I enjoyed every second of it. It brought light to my lonely life and made me feel as if someone was there beside me. Even on the days I refused to come out, you would knock on my door and just speak to me through that barrier despite me never replying. Thank you for not leaving. Your words comforted me a lot and in the times I found the hardest I would find myself remembering your words and they sheltered me from my thoughts. Your words helped me so much and I can never thank you enough for them._

_As I’m writing this letter, I can hear you knocking, you’re asking me if I have any rubbish I want to throw away. You’re making this harder, hyung. Sometimes I wish you would have left when I pushed you away because I can’t bear to leave you now, it hurts. It hurts so much to leave you but it hurts more to stay here. I can’t stay here anymore, I hope you forgive me for that._

_Hyung, you are such a kind person, you are so amazing and I am so thankful for having you in my life. You have made my life worthwhile and I hope you know that. The days I’ve spent with you will always be something I cherish. You have made me happy. You should spread that kindness with other people, people who will appreciate it. You are such a loveable character and you have so much love in your heart, I wish you can meet someone who gives you that much love back._

_Before I end this letter, please relay my message of thanks to your parents. They have truly made me feel at home and it pains me to leave such amazing people behind. They have done so well in raising you and I’d like to thank them for that. Thank you for raising Juyeon hyung to be such a wonderful person who has helped me so much in my life that I can never repay him. Thank you for giving me a home and a place to stay and for treating me like your own son. I’m sorry you have to hear from me like this, in a letter, when I haven’t been around your house for some time now. I just want to tell you I’m thankful for you guys and that I’m sorry that I won’t be able to repay you for what you’ve done._

_I’m sorry, hyung, that I’ve put the responsibility onto you to tell your parents about all of this, that must be a very hard thing to do but I hope you’ll have the strength to relay my message._

_I’ll miss you. Like a lot. You won’t have to knock on my door anymore and your trips to the dustbin will be lonelier, you don’t have to stay outside my door and whisper words to comfort me anymore, you don’t have to go on walks with me at 3 am in the morning when I can’t fall asleep. I’m sorry that I’m taking so much away from you, but I hope you understand my reasoning. This is the way I go, this is my ending and I am so happy to have you on this journey with me. Hyung, you can get through this, you’ll easily be able to find someone else to do all that with but if there’s one thing I want you to know is that you should_

_always remember, Eric loves you._

  
  


6.

  
  


_Dear Kevin,_

_Hi Hyung, it's me Eric. We haven’t spoken in a while have we? This letter might come as a surprise for you then. We used to be very close once upon a time and sometimes I find myself missing that. I know it's not your fault, neither is it mine but I simply find myself hating everything because I couldn't stop us from growing apart. I always thought you were destined to be in my life but I didn't realise that we were also destined to grow apart, I wish that wasn’t part of growing up._

_Anyways, what I initially had wanted to say was thank you. There aren't enough words in the world for me to properly express my gratitude towards you and all the things you have done for me. You made me feel loved and accepted me for who I am and I never felt judged in your presence, you gave me a new reason to live and I cannot thank you enough for it. You are such a great person, hyung, and I want you to know that just in case no one has ever said it to you. You are an amazing person and you deserve so much!_

_I remember coming to you the first time I thought something was ‘wrong’ with me, now I realise it was never me who was in the wrong but it was what society had painted into my head. But I remember all of it, everything you said. I was in tears when I came to you. It was the first time I had ever acknowledged the type of feelings I had for my best friend, the first time I ever really thought of it and the conclusion terrified me. It scared me beyond belief. I thought I had done something wrong by thinking like this, like it wasn’t normal, like I wasn’t normal and when you saw me in that state you helped me. You reached out to me and held my hand throughout it all. When I couldn’t accept it myself, you helped me to come to terms with it. You have helped me in so many ways, more than I could have ever asked from you. You’re the reason why today I can be proud of my sexuality, of my identity. This is me! And it wouldn’t be possible without you. Thank you so much for helping me come to terms with it all. It was a long and tiring process but you stood by me, every second of the way you were there. And I want to thank you a million times for it._

_Before I completely deviate from the topic at hand. I want to tell you that I am sincerely thankful for everything you have done, even the small things. I absolutely loved our bracelet making sessions and I’ll forever miss those. I did make some after you left, they should be in the envelope with this letter, I don’t have use for them anymore. Thank you so much for being in my life and for giving me so much love and helping me accept myself. You have done a lot and you should take credit for it, you deserve a lot, hyung, and I wish you get all of it and more one day. I’m sorry this is the way I leave but I hope you can remember me as the brave boy who learned to accept himself. Thank you for everything hyung, and_

_always remember, Eric loves you._

  
  


7.

  
  


_Dear Chanhee,_

_it’s me! Your favourite troublemaker! Hyung, how are you doing? Will you even get this letter with how big your fashion line has gotten in these past few years? It’s crazy but I am so proud of you. You have come so far and honestly you deserve it the most. I remember all the times you spent trying to start up your company and the amount of investors that rejected your plans but you’re better than that. You didn’t have connections to big names like so many others in the industry but you did not need that, you became better than that. You established yourself and your career from the bottom and made your way right up to the top. I am so proud of you for that. I can’t even begin to describe how proud I am and how happy I am for you._

_There’s no easy way to say this and when you find out what’s happened you won’t be too happy with me but I won’t be around for that, not anymore. Sorry about that. Hyung, thank you for all the happiness you have given me over the past couple of years. You showed me what it truly meant to be true to myself, you never faked anything, gave it to people straight. I admire you for that but this letter won’t be straight, I don’t want you to experience that pain. You have taught me so much, not even just about fashion, though I have to thank you for that because my style did get better thanks to you, but you’ve also taught me so much about life. The demands of life, the struggle of life but also the happiness in life. The happiness in the small things that I always overlooked whilst searching for the bigger things when it was those little things that could have given me happiness. You taught me to fall in love with those small things, even if you did it unknowingly._

_I didn’t understand it at first. I didn’t understand why you were so happy when someone bought one piece of your clothing, I thought you were weird for that. Like that one sale wouldn’t compensate for all the hard work you put in and when I told you that you laughed and it made me feel even more confused. But I understand now, the importance of remembering all the small things in your life that have got you to where you are. All the small things that have the power to change your life, without them you wouldn’t make progress. I understand that now. Maybe if I had realised much earlier, I wouldn’t be here but that’s my fault , never yours. I guess one of the small things in my life was getting up every day, I couldn’t fall in love with it, no matter how hard I tried, I simply couldn’t. It wasn’t something I enjoyed and I didn’t know how to find happiness in it and that’s probably my biggest downfall. But enough about me._

_I wrote this letter to thank you, thank you for everything you have ever done in my life. Just having you beside me filled me in with so much happiness. Having you there was something I needed and I’m glad I had that because you helped me get through it all. I’m forever thankful for you and your impact. I know that you will continue to spread happiness and love wherever you go, in whatever you do. And since you strived to find what gives you joy, you rightfully deserve all the happiness in the world. Thank you for it all. If it’s possible, please remember me not for this but for any happiness I may have given you. I’m sorry for this but I know you can get through it. You have to and I know you will. But no matter what happens_

_always remember, Eric loves you._

  
  


8.

_Dear Changmin,_

_Hi hyung. Famous choreographer eh? It’s so nice to call you that, it feels very weird as well because I remember when you used to teach little kids in your small dance studio and now you own a whole building dedicated to your dance academy. You’re so amazing. I also saw the dance you choreographed for that boy group on that dance competition, I don’t remember the name but they won, didn’t they? You must be so proud, they won performing the choreograph you made! Honestly, that is so great, when I found out I couldn’t stop smiling and then I spammed your phone… oops? I’m not sorry for that though, you deserve the praise._

_You must have been so busy these past few weeks, it was award show season right? You must have choreographed tons of songs, I don’t really know how it works but you’re amazing and that’s all that matters to be honest. It has taken me a lot of courage to write this letter because you’ve seen me at my worst, you have witnessed the person who became frustrated when they couldn’t get a dance move right, who got angry at themselves and everything around them. I’m sorry for the way I treated you that time last year when you were trying your best to help me but I couldn’t get the moves right. I know I blamed you but I know it has never and it will never be your fault. That was so wrong of me, especially when you cancelled your class to teach me, for free. I am so sorry for that and I know you’ve said you have already forgiven me but there isn’t a day that goes by where I’m not reminded of my rude attitude. I have never been any sorrier in my life. But I also want to thank you, because you never left. Even after all of that, you never gave up teaching me. You stayed up late with me, days before my auditions, so you could help me get the moves right. You believed in me, the Eric who worked hard for years but never managed to debut, you believed in that guy but I’m sorry to tell you, that Eric is gone. I no longer have the energy to work hard and that is no fault of your own._

_I just want to thank you for even putting effort in me, for everything you have ever done for me. I wouldn’t be the person I am today if it weren’t for you, you made me stronger than I ever was, you gave me the space to get things wrong and not get into trouble for it, you pushed me to work hard and I did, for a while at least. But some things aren’t meant to be and I don’t have the capacity to work harder anymore. Thank you hyung, really and truly thank you. You are honestly such an amazing person, so great and there’s a reason why the people who attend your dance academy go on to do great things. It’s all because of you and you should really take that credit. Sadly, that person could not be me but I hope that I wasn’t as bad of a dancer like I think I am. I know you can get through this and go on to do greater things, I know that really well because that’s who you are. I don’t want you to ever forget that. Thank you for all the happy memories and thank you for constantly pushing me to do my best, and_

_always remember, Eric loves you._

  
  


9.

_Dear Haknyeon,_

_hyung! Hi, how are you? It’s been a while since we last saw each other, right? I mean the last time we met, we were at that theme park which was really fun!! But our meeting had to be cut short because your fans found out where you were from that picture you posted. They ended up swarming us!! I told you not to post that picture of us making a heart in front of the castle until after we leave the place but nope, you never listen. What should I ever do with you? Having said that, it was still really fun. The way we were running away from your fans and basically playing hide and seek with them was very fun, it had been a while since I smiled that much and it comes as no surprise that it was you who made that happen._

_You’re such a happy person and you make everyone around you feel that way even if you don’t intend for it to happen like that, it just does. Your laugh and your smile has such a knock on effect that it simply just elevates the mood whenever you’re in the room. I admire that so much, the fact that you have that ability. I enjoy being around you so much. You’ve never questioned anything, and that was such a breath of fresh air which I was really lacking. Sometimes I felt suffocated by those around me, by them constantly questioning if I’m okay (I know they didn’t mean for it to come off that way) but it was never like that with you. You wouldn’t question and just whizz me away to do something crazy, to make me smile. That’s another thing that I admire and love so much about you, your spontaneity. Nothing could stop you, not the weather and not even your own company, or is that the privileges of the nation’s trot singer? Regardless of the reason, you couldn’t be stopped and you had fun doing that. I enjoyed that alot._

_You were such an amazing part of my life. Whenever I was with you, it felt like there never was a dull moment and having that in a life where I constantly felt as if I could never be happy was such an amazing feeling. I wish I could experience that every single day but the truth is, as soon as you’re gone that feeling is over. As soon as we part ways, I am reminded of the thoughts I was trying to get away from and I end up back where I started, with no improvements but I don’t blame that on you because you have always tried to make me feel better. I’d just like to say I’m sorry. I’m sorry that the happy Eric you saw was just a facade and he never existed. I wish he did, but we can’t all get what we wish for. Happy Eric was someone I made up and his days are over, his time to go has come. My time to go has come. I’m sorry you have to find out this way. But if there’s anyone who can truly get over this, it’s you. You have always been the person in the room with the brightest smile and it would hurt me to know that that was no longer the case. Please never stop smiling, and_

_always remember, Eric loves you._

  
  


10.

_Dear Sunwoo,_

_my bestie Sunwoo. Hi. I honestly don’t know what to say in this letter. You’re my best friend and I love you so much. This letter has been the hardest to write out of all the ones I have ever written. I don’t know how to tell you though I assume you already know. You knew me better than I knew myself and some days I was thankful for that but other days it scared me, because you’d know exactly what was going through my head and I did not want you to go through that._

_Sunwoo, you deserve the best and that isn’t me. I am so sorry for how I’ve treated you these past few days. I guess I wanted it to hurt less for you so I pushed you away before I did this. You’re my soulmate, my other half, people used to call us twins and I guess some part of that was true. It hurts the most to leave you behind but I hope you understand that it has to happen. I have to leave now, I can’t stay here anymore. You have given me so much to live for, you have done so much for me but I’m selfish, I needed something from myself and I couldn’t give that to myself. No matter what Sunwoo, I don’t ever want you blaming yourself. You have made me feel alive, and the reason why I’m doing this is not you, and it will never be you. You’re my best friend and I would never have it any other way. I’m sorry you’re finding out this way. You deserve so much Sunwoo._

_Do you remember those days where we would stay up all night and then go to the highest point in our city to watch the sunrise? Gosh, I loved those days so much. We would talk all night, as if we were retired old men. Your words were always so wise and you spoke like you were beyond your years and I genuinely appreciated that. We would give each other advice on random things that we were worried about. Those worries, they seem so small now. I wish I still had those worries, I wish we were still those young teenage boys fooling around and having fun, when our only worries were if our phones had enough charge to last us the night, or if we had enough change to get ice cream. Those were the days, weren’t they? Now our worries have gotten so big and in my case, they’ve taken up my entire being. They’ve taken over my life and as much as I have tried to get rid of them, I can’t. It's everywhere and I can’t do anything to get rid of it. I hope you don’t become like that, you deserve so much more than that._

_Do you remember my nickname for you? I used to call you my sun, I haven’t called you that in such a long time, hmm… I don’t know why I stopped since it was something you loved a lot, so let me call you it one last time in this letter. My sun, thank you. Thank you for everything you have ever done, thank you for staying by my side through it all, through the darkest days and even through the brightest. But we both know that it was you who always shone the brightest, you filled my days up with such happiness that I can’t ever get anywhere. I thank you so much for that. Sunwoo, you are spectacular, such a great person with such a big heart._

_I remember when we went to that fortune teller and she told us that this was your first life. No wonder why you were always fascinated by everything around you, always wanting to try new things. I’m glad I got to spend your first life with you but I also have to apologise. This is your first life and I am leaving you with such sadness. I am leaving you with the remnants of my life that can never be fixed. I am leaving you on your own to watch sunsets, no one to give advice to, no one to lean on and I’m sorry for that. I’m sure you can find someone for all of that in due time but for now I am so sorry._

_Before I go, I want to thank you and remind you that you were my happiness for the longest time. I want to tell you that it’s not your fault, and it will never ever be your fault. Somethings are meant to happen, and me fulfilling my dreams was never that. Though, this moment right here, me writing to you was something that had to happen, and this is the way I’m meant to leave. Thank you my sun, thank you for shining when I couldn’t do it myself and thank you for lighting up my days when darkness was the only thing I saw. It’s my time to go now but I want you to_

_always remember, Eric loves you._

**Author's Note:**

> hi ,, thank you for reading !!


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